A Deep South Kind of Lonely

I never said that being married to my husband was going to be the easiest thing. He's hard to live with and I guess I am too, though he would deny being the difficult one, I know differently.

Still, over time things have happened that have created distance between us. I'm not happy about it but I feel like there's little I can do about it all. Which sucks.

I don't really think that I noticed it happening in the beginning but this last year has been undoubtedly the most stressful of my life. So much so that I swear that I'm the anchor on the bottom of the boat that someone has forgotten to pull up. I've been dragged through so much shit, mostly of my own making, but still. At the end of the day, I've wanted no one there but him.

Unfortunately, even when he's there; he's not. He's so very very far from me. We each have our end of the house and that's fine on occasion. Like prize fighters going to their corners only, we never come out to fight. We just sit in our corners.

Before we married I made a mistake that probably catapulted us into the existance we have now. I cheated with a friend of his. I was a stranger in a strange land with no friends and family. I had no job and nowhere to go. I lived and depended on him. It was stressful. It was sad, it was lonely. He left every day to go to school, while I waited at home. I did housework. I read books. I wrote letters to friends and family. I missed every one and everything with an ache that split me in two.



A male friend noticed my mood. We would talk late at night and he saw that I was ignored, though I didn't think that. I didn't see it that way but he did. Long story short, I made a mistake with said friend. When my boyfriend found out about it, I thought that was the end of us.

Somehow we survived. I have no idea how we managed it but we did. That, I believe was the beginning of the changes for us. I often feel like we should have walked away then but we didn't.

I'm back in the deep south with a loneliness setting in. I've not felt this lonely in years. It's a temptation and a void all at the same time. It's painful and it wants to eat me alive.

In many ways it's a hunger, like a craving for something that I know I can't eat. I don't want to get fat off my hunger, just satisfy the pains in my stomach.

Conversations
Laughter
Closeness
Feeling Beautiful to someone else.

I need that like we need water. I am dehydrating in the deep south again.

I've read studies that women say that they cheat because they often feel alone or sad in the relationship.

I identify with that. I'd be hard pressed not to jump into another ship if one came along. My fear is that it wouldn't take much.

Flirt with me.

Tell me I'm pretty.

Move a curl out of my eyes and keep your hand on the side of my head for a moment longer than necessary.

Take me someplace and nowhere special at all.

Keep me from dehydrating. I am so parched.