A Deep South Kind of Lonely

I never said that being married to my husband was going to be the easiest thing. He's hard to live with and I guess I am too, though he would deny being the difficult one, I know differently.

Still, over time things have happened that have created distance between us. I'm not happy about it but I feel like there's little I can do about it all. Which sucks.

I don't really think that I noticed it happening in the beginning but this last year has been undoubtedly the most stressful of my life. So much so that I swear that I'm the anchor on the bottom of the boat that someone has forgotten to pull up. I've been dragged through so much shit, mostly of my own making, but still. At the end of the day, I've wanted no one there but him.

Unfortunately, even when he's there; he's not. He's so very very far from me. We each have our end of the house and that's fine on occasion. Like prize fighters going to their corners only, we never come out to fight. We just sit in our corners.

Before we married I made a mistake that probably catapulted us into the existance we have now. I cheated with a friend of his. I was a stranger in a strange land with no friends and family. I had no job and nowhere to go. I lived and depended on him. It was stressful. It was sad, it was lonely. He left every day to go to school, while I waited at home. I did housework. I read books. I wrote letters to friends and family. I missed every one and everything with an ache that split me in two.

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You've Been Warned

Life has been a giant clusterfuck of a mess. 2009 ended so well that I kind expected the shit to hit the fan and have the world fall down around me and so when it did, I wasn't surprised but at the same time, I was. Does that make even make sense?

Let me just tell you right now, nothing this year has been fun. I had to create a space that was mine and mine alone because let me be honest, if I had to spill it all publicly I'd probably just fall apart. It's one thing to show yourself and then be that person all. the. time. Most people I know have two lives in one way or another and the two rarely walk hand in hand as friends. Most of the time they walk along holding hands like siblings forced to cross the street together; one dragging the other, kicking and screaming, squeezing fingers until the circulation is cut off. They both make it across the street but it's just not fun to watch.

So that brings me here and I say... What. The. Fuck.

I piss, bitch, moan and complain...  I make no apologies, I'm not here to please you, but if you're entertained, why the hell not.

Right?